Unnatural Talent

There is a little understood secret about talent. It is not natural. It is God-given, but He only gives us seed packets. Some get a big fat packet. Some get a variety pack. Some get only a tiny bit of tiny seeds. No one gets the seeds scattered on the ground for them. Only they can open the packet and only they can plant the seed.

See, talent is nothing without work. Anyone who is asked to describe me is likely to mention something about my voice. They ask me about the training they assume I have had. Though I have never taken a formal voice lesson, I have spent hours of days and weeks of months singing and listening to myself; studying and copying great vocalists. I have sifted through the voices I modeled and tried to find my own. Sometimes I have been intensely focused on a specific performance. Other times I have been focused on the hope of being a well-known performer. But many times, I have let that hope fall dormant and I stop practicing. I never stop singing. But when I am not focused on becoming, my voice gets lazy and I lose the sound quality which qualifies all the accolades I have received and have hoped to receive. Talent is not natural. It is work.

When I go back to my passion (what you are passionate about is your talent) I thrill again to reach notes, match expression of the artists I study, and seek, and breathe my own life and meaning into it. The muscles become strong again and my confidence increases. Unleashing my own ability is a thrill which only makes me hungrier to share that ability with others. It just seems like such a waste if I am the only one who knows.

Then there is dance. It makes me feel alive. For years my body has rested from the intense effort and exertion of regular dance. And yet, my muscles thrill with the strain of doing a develope into a rond de jambe. The tension of my unused muscles is joyfully wakened by a deep stretch. Though I have never seen myself becoming a professional dancer, it is a talent that I love to develop, use, and share.

Whenever I hit a lull in my aspirations, I explore the thought that maybe I have been delusional for all these years and I should just be content to be an average person. I try to wrap my head around the idea that it is okay for Janika to focus exclusively on day to day realities. The thought makes me ache. I could let go of the tension of unfulfilled hopes and expectations in an attempt to be satisfied with less than my best, but I would be left with emptiness and purposelessness.

Some people are content with average. Some people find great joy in a common life. There is something exceptional about that which I respect. When anyone lives their life to their fullest, they deserve the highest honor no matter how average it is.

My discontent is because I know I am not living my own life to the fullest. Sometimes I get glimpses of my own greatness. It awes and humbles me as God lets me peek at who I can become. Often it is through the eyes of admiring peers. I would not believe in myself if so many people had not told me all my life how unique or talented I was.

Maybe if I only had one passion I would be able to work it and succeed better than I have. But music and dance are the beginning of my passion. I love words. I love giving meaning and expression to thought. I find great satisfaction in letting people into my mind. I have an intense need to preserve thoughts which I might never recall otherwise. It is the very smallest legacy I can leave. The simplest, and most vital. Who was I and what did I do while I was here? My family at least should be able to discover those things.

I even find great satisfaction in cleaning a house down deep until it sparkles. More so when I create something for my house and put a room together in a new way. However, I find daily maintenance exhausting. My passion for it does not exceed the required effort of it when maintenance takes away from my ability to work in other areas of passion.

My point here is that talent is work that brings joy and satisfaction. It yearns for expression and gives purpose. Whether it is simple or grand, the key to success is that it is a profound part of being that generates a sense of need and brings joy when realized. "When you've got it you've got it" but when you don't use it you loose it. Talent is not natural, it is work. And work is fun.

Take Two iTest

Picture from an iPhone published from a MacBook.

Turkeyless Trip

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Mike's parents and all of our kids at our house one week early. The "real" Thanksgiving day we spent travelling to Craig and Consie's house in Missouri, not expecting anyone to be there, but Mike's dad was for that day. It was just the babies and I with Mike so we could hang out there while he and his brother Matt went hunting, which they did on Saturday. Mike did a little bit on Friday as well. They did not see a single deer all weekend.

We drove home on Saturday night because we decided after Thursdays day trip with the babies that we would only go nighttime with them from now on. We left at 8 last night and got home at 6 this morning, napped for a couple of hours and got ready for our 1:00 church meetings in our newly remodeled/added on to building.

I just got back from driving another two hours to pick up the kids who have been with their dad all week. I should not have even turned on the computer because I am falling asleep at the keyboard. Mike has already been asleep for 2 hours. But I just wanted to post a picture from the iPhone to see if I liked the picture quality of it on my blog. The one Mike sent me from his iPhone is a horse at his parents house which we might buy. I just tried to post it, but it saved as a zipped file and blogger can't upload it. IPhone picture to blog transfer strike ONE!

(Mike wants me to have an iPhone, but I am a little anti-apple and a lot anti -trend, -spend, and -technology is my friend.)

Home Improvement

This week has been busy with evidence. I sewed eight sashes for cub scout patches, 6 102" Drapery panels and 3 valences. This weekend I painted my living room and hung the aforementioned drapes. Because my ceilings are a little bit high and I did not have an adequate ladder, I made good use of my Isaac. Pray that your children will be taller than you. It helps justify slavery. I really appreciated all he did to help, and could not have done it without him.

Claire and Andrew kept the babies occupied all day, which was another key factor in my success. They mostly played outside and made the trampoline into a tent with the blankets Claire and her friend used to sleep on it the night before. See, we live in Texas and this is the time of year when it is good to sleep outside. Before the end of September, it is just too hot and muggy and buggy.

I also started studying for my English Lit CLEP test. I did not do well at all on the practice test, so I have a ton of reading to do. I read Beowolf--out loud to the babies in a Welsh and Germanic accents. They did not listen with rapt attention by any stretch. In fact they tried to get me to stop at times. After a while they realized I would not stop and went about their own business--sort of, you know.

I know you want pictures of my new living room, but that will not be seeing it until I have a working camera again. I guess Devanie takes all her pictures on her video camera. I could do that if I wanted to, I suppose, but that would mean having to learn something new, and English lit has me maxxed out. Sorry. Doesn't mean I love you less. Thanks for stopping by.

What a Treat

Last year I realized too late that I could take my infants trick-or-treating and eat all the candy myself, so I did not take the babies around the neighborhood for something they would get nothing out of. This year they were ready to get the concept of door-to-door beggary.

I dressed them up as---ummmm---winged babies? They wore their orange sherbet Sunday dresses with wings on the back. ADORABLE. One had green wings and the other had orange wings.

They went to the first house with trepidation. Then when they got the candy, the man at the door looked a lot more friendly. They thought maybe they should go in the house and become very good friends. I told them to say "Thank you. Bye bye." I turned them around and walked them to the next house (with a little help from the other trick or treaters (Andrew, Claire, and Mikey). When they got candy again, despite the ugly witch sitting in the chair who gave it to them, they started to catch on. Amelia ran ahead of everyone to the third house--nylon and wire wings bouncing all the way.

Neither of them ever said trick or treat, or anything like it. But they got a sugar rush with daddy before a late bedtime. They are still recovering from lack of sleep. I am disappointed with the candy quality in our neighborhood. Where's my chocolate? Guess I'll have to go hit halloween candy clearance rack.

Bubble Bath

A couple of days ago--maybe even yesterday, Andrew asked me when the babies were going to have their first bubble bath. They are in the tub now (Bathroom door is 5 feet away from me) and they managed to open a bottle of shampoo in their water, so they are having their first bubble bath. I don't do bubble baths for little girls generally, so they treated themselves to something wonderful and I am letting them enjoy it. It makes me feel better about the waste of a 1/2 bottle of Loreal Kids shampoo.

Over the weekend Mike was in Missouri again, so I took the opportunity to paint the babies' bedroom and two garage sale toddler beds. I only have one of the beds put together because I cannot find where I put the hardware for the other--exceptionally frustrating. So one is sleeping on the crib mattress on the floor. They are having a great time in their new bedroom, but they are not napping as well. 2 out of 3 days they have slept, though so they will continue to adjust and nap.

I have to do my homework and make 5 costumes today and get ready for a major Halloween party, but I thought I would share.

Down With the Sickness, Yo

Mike may be the only one who has not gotten the second round of 2-day headache-fever-weakness. Everybody has missed a couple of days of school. The babies spent an entire day cuddled in our laps. I called off choir practice and missed church. Those who have recovered still have coughing mucus. There have been 15 swine flu deaths in the Dallas area and a few people in my ward have gotten it. But it does not worry me at all. I did not even consider taking anyone to the doctor because nothing has been that serious. I did go so far as to give the babies Tylenol, but the older kids got echinacea, and fluids as did I. Other than that, the human body is amazing and can take care of itself with minimal help and financial outlay.

I spent yesterday in my weakened state of recovery washing sheets, towels, blankets at my husband's request and all the regular Monday laundry. I still had two more loads to do this morning. I think my dryer is not working properly. It takes way too long to dry. It is a Kenmore Elite that I bought less than 3 years ago and it is falling apart on every level. All my appliances are going to be GE from now on (because I do not want to go super high end LG and whatever).

I kept the TV running all day to slow my pace and give me an excuse to sit down. And I still managed to hand in my rough draft for my term paper 2 hours ahead of schedule. I am that good--even if I don't feel that great. Time to let the babies out of their beds.

Sleep Patterns

I took Emylie and her friend to First Monday Trade Days in Canton this weekend with her friend. We met up with Sybil, our former next door neighbor. I bought a couple of Christmas presents and a special, but expensive organizational tool--an antique miniature trunk.

Monday, the kids here had the day off for "Fair Day" so they could utilize the free tickets to go to the state fair, but if you already read my previous post, you know that we did that already. We had a work day instead. They helped me clean house and watch babies. I sanded down a toddler bed to paint so I can put away the babies cribs. They are almost 21 months now. Tragically, they have not taken naps for the past four days. I am concerned that they are not going to anymore. I have never had children stop naps this early. I only know that when it takes more time and effort to get them to take a nap than you get from then napping, it is time to quit. I will still institute a mandatory stay-in-your-bedroom time if this is permanent. But I need to put them in bed by seven instead of eight if that is the case.

My mom called me Sunday morning to let me know that my grandma is in hospice care and not expected to live much longer. Last night I woke up at 2:30 and did not get back to sleep until almost 4. I had a lot of things troubling me because of a certain child of mine, but I thought of my grandma and how long she has been without her husband and how joyous their reuniting embrace. That hoped for joy gave me peace and helped me to relax and get back to sleep.

Still, I feel very groggy and would have been grateful to not have to take Isaac to Seminary or respond to my husbands alarm for work.

For Me

I have not been motivated to post lately because I thrive on the comments of others, and nobody seems to be reading blogs anymore, so I need to get into the mindset that this is my journal for me. The trouble is, there is not too much I want to talk about these days. Nothing is bad. It some ways it is too good. I don't want to rub it in everyone else's faces or have them comment about how jealous they are. But after 8 months of being unemployed we finally got a job and it is a great job. Mike is making big money and we are spending it.

I have not taken pictures, but we got a new living room and dining room set. The couch is a squarish contemporary sectional and the dining set (which shares the same open space is an ultra traditional dark wood with huge leather chairs with nailhead trim. We still have to replace the "builders special" "chandelier" and have the 3-pendant light set picked out. I have also bought paint to cover up the contractors flat white walls and have no idea when I will be able to actually put it on the walls. I assure you, I will not be doing it while the babies are awake. There are a ton of other home improvement things I want to do, like get the toddler bed up and put away the crib and pack 'n' play and fix up the girls bedroom. All the kids need to have their rooms painted. We also want to put in hardwood floors and tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. I will not be doing the bathrooms. I have done a bathroom before, but taking out the toilet and getting it back in makes it more of a chore than I am willing to do.

Isaac is at Seminary right now and the other kids should be getting ready for school, but I don't think Claire has made it out of her room.

We went to the Texas State Fair this weekend and tried the deep-fried butter. It looked like a donut hole with a juicy center of melted butter. Sprinkled with powdered sugar and dipped in jam, it was almost like food. However, it left a film of fat on the palette. We can say we have tried it. That is enough. We will stick to the funnel cake.

Potty Training Twins

Talking about bodily functions isn't couth, but old people and mothers of young children seem obsessed with it. Maybe because it is such a dominant feature of our lives.

The babies are now 20 months old so I have been introducing potty training concepts. I have put training pants (real ones not diapers that pull up) on them a few times. The comfort of the big girl panties compared to diapers and the unmistakable sensation of wetness have made them very aware of their need to go pee. Anastasia has successfully used the potty seat. They both love to sit on it, but because they are fighting over who gets to sit on it, they don't concentrate on business. Then, even when I hold one on the big potty while the other sits on the little one, they just want to get up after a few seconds. This is one situation where it really changes the dynamic from that of having just one kid to work with.

They are both getting the concepts, though. Anastasia even grabbed herself the other day and said "Potty!" so we rushed to the bathroom, but she did not do anything. Potty training is such a chore. It takes so much focus and dedication (which is why so many of today's lazy parents don't train their kids--or have their kids train themselves--until they are almost in Pre-K these days). However, the effort is well worth the result. That is why children are infinitely better than pets. After just a few short years, you don't have to have anything to do with their poo poo anymore.

Time to let the beasts out of their cage. They are awake now.

Mike Mulligan's Steam Shovel

A couple of years ago I took the backroads through Kansas on the way to Missouri and saw a big old steam shovel on the side of the road and vowed to take pictures of it for LeeJoe the next time I passed through that way. I guess it is for Zach, too. This was the very last stop of our 5,000 mile trip.

Back

Back to school, back online, back up your files, go back to the old post and see the trip pics I was finally able to post. Behind my back is the door to the babies' room where they just woke up and I can smell them from out here. And I should go back downstairs and do another load of laundry.

15 minutes later....
I'm back. Goodness grosscious! I should have gone in at the first hint of noise and odor. Someone (who shall remain nameless) decided that poop was an appropriate medium for art. Two babies are now clean, and the artwork is no more. Now I REALLY need to go do another load of laundry.

40 Minutes later....
Back again. Grody laundry in machine, babies fed. Now where was I?

My internet was not working partly because of a virus and partly because of something else. After Mike fixed the virus there was still a bunch of reconfiguring and who knows what that he had to do, and I didn't ask him about it because we were both so tired and stressed out last night that we ate, and vegitated in front of the TV for 1/2 hour after dinner and went to bed.

The kids had their first day back at school yesterday. Then I went to get myself registered at the local college for some courses that I can't get with my online stuff. I had the babies with me and spent 3 hours there to finally get to the counselor who said I did not have the information she needed (even though I had already emailed her with the information she needed) so she told me to go home and get it and come back within the hour so we could finish up the application. Me retrieving the information required my use of the internet. The kids would be coming home from their first day of school when I went out the second time and the babies needed a nap. It was the last day and last hour of registration, so I will just stick to my online stuff this semester.

Isaac is in 10th grade this year. He is starting in a brand new school (to everybody, not just him). There are only 9th and 10th graders there, so his class is the head honcho. Next year, when he is in 11th, they will add that grade to the school. Same thing for when he is in 12th. His class will always be the big dogs on campus and they will be the first graduating class. I am excited for him.

Emylie decided, despite formal counseling and much intense and loving discussion that she wanted to stay with her dad this year. That is the thing about split families--you just don't have as much control as a parent as parents should have. Making a stink doesn't make it better. But I did try. I can take the rejection personally, or I can recognize that it is just a no win situation for any child who loves both of their parents and keep loving her.

Claire is in 6th and has 3 different teachers. Her homeroom teacher is male. That is her first time having a male teacher. Andrew had one in second grade. She went into the classroom on Meet the Teacher Night and saw the desk labeled Ty and definitively concluded that it was the boy across the street all the kids hang out with (along with brother PJ and sister Patience). So she claimed the neighboring desk.That reminds me, PJ is in Isaac's Theater class.

Andrew is in 4th and has two teachers. He has a couple of friends from around the neighborhood he was able to hang out with. He is excited about having his own locker.

Nobody had homework except me. About a year ago to this day, I bought a new house. At the title office there was an endless stack of papers to formalize the sale and legalize the conditions of the sale. I would prefer to do that every year, rather than back to school "closing." Each classroom had a separate set of classroom expectations which needed to be read and signed as well as filling out contact information for each of the teachers to keep in thier classrooms. Fine. But what set me over the top, was that I had to fill out the EXACT same forms I has already filled out for registration in the past month. Every one of them. WHY!!!? Then, after spending inordinate amounts of time doing school shopping (uniforms, supplies, and accessories) I get another list from each of Isaac's teachers (6?) of things he needs, because high school can't be made uniform like Elementary.

On the up side, high schoolers do not get endless lists of things they will never use which will be distributed to other students and/or hoarded by teachers. Claire and Andrew EACH had 72 pencils on their school list. 72! That's 2 per week of the school year! I remember going through as many as 4 pencils per year. Honestly! I sent my children to school with pencil bags full of miscellaneous Primary birthday pencils and novelty prints along with partly used yellow no. 2's from previous school years. And one new package of 10 for each. Let's see what gets confiscated and what they get to keep.

Anyway, it is now hours since I started this post. I have gotten 4 loads of laundry in and have 6 to go. My fans may notice that I am doing laundry on Thursday rather than the Monday I love. Back to school has me all out of whack. I am looking forward to settling into our routines.

Now I need to do my very own homework for my online classes. I have two writing assignments due by midnight, which includes 4 chapters of reading, which I have not been able to do because of internet issues and back to school busyness.

Time to get back to my life.

Five Thousand Miles

In seventeen days we have covered 13 states and 5,000 miles. We helped my mom move everything out of her condemned house that she had moved into it a couple of weeks before. We stayed there in Kirksville and Brashear for a full day then took off for Nauvoo. That was only a couple of hours away. She is the backroad halfway point between Far West Missouri and Nauvoo. We arrived just in time for some of the pre-pageant activities and to get decent seats for the big show. It was pretty moving which is made all the more poigniant knowing that it was such a pivotal place for many of our ancestors.

We spent the night at the White House Inn on the main street of town. Nice place. Then we spent all the next day touring the sites and attending events. I got to talk to some of the pageant cast members who gave me some information that will help me finish putting my pageant together--hopefully. We ate dinner and headed out for an all night drive. I drove until about 11pm then mom took over. I traded back in the morning and we landed at Devanie's in the late afternoon.

We hung out for a couple of days. On Saturday Nathan's family wanted to get together, so we were invited to go with. We went to Jungle Jims indoor amusement park. It was essentially a souped up Chuck-E-Cheese with a couple of fair kiddie rides. The babies went on a mini-roller coaster and had a blast after the initial fear wore off. It was the merry-go-round that terrified Amelia. She didn't fuss, she just bugged her eyes and clenched her jaw while gripping the pole. We went to church with Devanie on Sunday.

On Sunday evening we headed up to see Kim and Gwen in Idaho. While there, we took some time to surprise Grandma Leavitt with a visit. She didn't recognize us at first. It has been a very long time since she has seen any of my kids. Mom insisted that I leave her and the babies there while the older kids and I went to Yellowstone the next day. It took four hours to get there. We drove the loop around the main park and saw all the major geyser basins. We waited a long time for Old Faithful, but it did not disappoint, despite all the pre-gush teasers. We "camped" in the park and were ready to tackle Uncle Tom's trail which leads to a pretty stunning view of the Yellowstone Grand Canyon the next morning. By then the kids felt like they had seen everything they needed to see, so we headed out. But we could not leave without stopping at the museum in West Yellowstone to see "Old Snaggletooth." My mom had told us about how she had heard about and seen him while she worked there in the summers during college in the sixties and was surprised to see him in the museum some years later when she went back to visit with her young family. He was killed by poachers according to the sign.

We went back to Kim and Gwen's to collect Mom and the babies and headed back to Devanie's. We spent Wednesday and Thrusday at the Lagoon amusement park with Mom, again, insisting on keeping the babies. Devanie and her kids were with us on the first day, but the second day it was just me and my older kids.

Friday we went to see my Uncle Jared and his kids at Twin Falls, Idaho. He has the best matched set of kids for mine. Tyler is a girl who is Emylie's age. Jayden is Claire's age and Jackson is close to Andrew's age. Isaac will always be the odd man out. Nobody was having boys when I was. While we were there, Lee Joe managed to bring his family to see us for a few minutes. We all went on a hike together. Instead of leaving like I planned to, we stayed one more night. That gave the kids the opportunity to ride the ATV's and motorcycles. Andrew even tried to learn how to ride Jackson's little 3 speed. I think that was one of their favorite things about the whole trip.

We drove all Sunday and got to Far West on Monday morning. Mom and I took a short nap. Mom and Dad Skembo had just arrived there themselves. They have spent all summer in Arizona taking care of Max and his medical needs. All of us decided to stay an extra day we just enjoyed each others company and helped a little around the store and on the farm. Tuesday I took Mom back to her house and came back for one more night of rest and to get all packed up. We left at 8am and got home around 6pm. Home seemed like such a foreign place, but the babies were so happy to see their daddy.

Now we have to clean out the van so I can find the data cable for my camera so you can see what I am talking about.

New Blogs

I have added Claire's new blog to the feed on the side. She started it last month, but has not had access to it, and no one has commented on her posts because nobody knew about them.

I have also decided to start another blog of my own that will act, essentially, as a way to preserve my personal writings. Most of them at this time will be various written assignments for my college classes. They will be intellectually stimulating for those who are into that sort of thing.

We went to Cedar Creek Lake this weekend with our friend Steve. His wife Lori is in Colorado trying to get away from the Texas heat--and taking care of the house they own there. Lexi and Mikey have been here for over a week now, so they came too. Elizabeth, Lexi's childhood BFF/sister came along as well. Since I nearly drowned at Paradise lake during a stake youth activity, I have not been that interested in swimming in natural bodies of water. I love a pool, for the indicators on the side that let me know ahead of time when I am in over my head. This weekend I waded in to my chest and held at least one of the babies the whole time we played--less than 2 hours. My arms are really sore because of it, but we did have a really good time. My shoulders are really pink now, too.

I don't know if I told you about my refrigerator. We got a new one for our anniversary on the 17th of last month. I woke up one morning and the old one had a burnt out light and the drink I poured for myself was not cold at all, so we thought the fridge was not working anymore. Mike had already found a new one he wanted, so he had it delivered. I later found out that the pitcher I had poured my drink from had been left out all night and Claire had put it in the fridge just before I came to the kitchen. Anyway, here is a picture of Anastasia in front of it. It has the lower drawer freezer, which I did not think I would like that much, but I do. It is very well designed.

Scott and Arren

I finally got my camera loaded into the computer, so I have added a few pictures to posts you may have already read. Here are a few more in context.

Scott and Arren came for a visit from the other side of the world (Washington State). We went to visit Cash and Tara on the other side of the Metro and got a group shot. Mike is not in it because he was at work and I am not in it because I took the picture.

Tara had just gotten back from her first day of work after a medical leave, so she was really tired, but we had a wonderful time talking to them and they were very tolerant of the babies exploring the apartment living room. Jayden was the worst. Ha ha.

The next day, Arren and I went on a walk to the park with the babies. When we got home we realized Anastasia had thrown her shoe out of the stroller somewhere along the way. I left to retrace our steps and find the thing. It was hot and I'd had enough of walking so I took the van. Before I left, I sprained my ankle really badly, but Arren didn't know until I came back with the shoe and couldn't quite walk.

Run-in with the law.

Fun Fourth weekend with just the six of us, rather than the ten of us. We went to the Fourth Breakfast, hung out for a little bit, went swimming, hung out a little bit, went to see a "display" of fireworks and joined with Lexi and Mikey's mom and her boyfriend to set off fireworks. We did not get to see the city fireworks, but we got instruction about city ordinances for fireworks. Apparently their subdivision is still in "city limits" and they had the police out in force. The whole collection of purchased fireworks was on the front lawn and was confiscated (to be used at an end of shift police celebration).

We wrapped up the fun and Mike went down the street to the fireworks stand and bought some fun of his own to be released in our neighborhood, which does not, as yet, have such restrictions on fireworks.

Mikey and Lexi are here for the week. Mikey and I are touring the world with a two-piece band. We got our plane last night. Now he needs to get off Tony Hawk so we can continue the tour. I completed a successful solo tour last week. We have gone swimming and to the park. The babies are looking a little brown and their blonde hair is a little brighter. My legs still have a bit of an iridescent cast to them, but the chalkiness is minimized. Lexi and I just got back from getting pedicures.

Life is pretty good. Love all the way around.

Me

This website is about and for my family and friends. It is full of the conversational small talk of the comings, goings, and events of my family. Today, this is not for you. It is for me and it is about me.

I "read" Atlas Shrugged this week by Ayn Rand. I evaluated her philosophical concepts, appreciative of her thoughts and perspective. I got bored with the endless reiteration of her singular, minimally encompassing principle that the nobility of man's achievement must be each individual's choice solely for his enjoyment as his ultimate reward. I have loved discussing its strengths and weaknesses with my husband. He is the one who read it first and has been encouraging me to read it.

The biggest problem I have with it is that it reminds me that I have not matched the achievements I have aspired to. I have barely made significant progress. In so many areas and at so many times in my life I have studied something or done something that has opened my mind to my potential to contribute to that field or to the world in the utilization of any one of those abilities. Then I think, if I wear out my life to fulfill the sum of those abilities, I can't help but think that I would leave an indelible mark on the world when I leave it. It is not conceit or arrogance, but an awed humility that one small person could do so much.

But the wrenching agony of knowing and not becoming! "But you have 8 kids. Teaching them and taking care of them makes a difference in the world. Don't you value that role?" That role is valueless if I teach my children that they have the capacity to make a difference to change the world but not prove it by my actions, or at least write down the ideas for making it possible. If I only teach my daughters to be mothers and wives, I have taught them to be contracted and limited. It is our greatest power, but that power is magnified when it is not the only power.

The power to achieve the visions in my head does not lie solely in my power. My greatest frustration is that the skills and ideas I do have are not complete. They require other people who share my ideas and are committed to the achievement of it. I do not know who those people are. I do not know where they are. I do not know how to know who they are; to recognize their ability and invite their commitment. I have trouble believing that they will be true to the commitment because I do not expect anyone to be better than I am, and I have betrayed my commitments to myself again and again. And yet, I know that so many people are so much better than me in that regard. That is why I need them. I need to know that I am not the only one in this world who believes in my capacity and theirs. I need reinforcement. I do not need to learn endless new skills. I need to collaborate with those who already have the skills.

I suffer with loss. All the reaching thoughts I have had have been trusted to technology that has betrayed me by annihilating those thoughts, never to be retrieved again, or they have never left the recesses of my own mind and can no longer be retrieved.

This is not a post about depression and abandonment but an affirmation of hope and a commitment to continue the pursuit, regardless of the end result. The heights I might reach by falling short of the greatness I perceive within me will still leave me a place of honor and the patriarchal prophecy will be fulfilled that I will be called blessed by my posterity.

Keep moving forward, Janika. All things are possible. God will provide a way for you to accomplish the things which He has shown you you can be.

Bad Beginning

Grandpa is in town for a couple of days. We took him to his semi-annual physical, he took us to Krystal Burger. He took the kids to see Up. We took him to see--um The Proposal. We started out with Year One, but the beginning was so bad we walked out. That was just in time to see the movie we had originally intended to see, but did not really want to wait for.

I finished my constitution class. I got a perfect score on my final, but it is not worth that much to me because the teacher only made generic comments and no markings on the paper. I got full marks throughout the course. I think I deserved them, but I can't help but wonder how easy it was for the other students to get full marks too.

I have already started my next class, which is history of education in America. I am looking forward to this course as well. I really like going to school, but I am trying not to put in so much effort so that I have time to do other things.

The babies had a horrible day today. No, I had a horrible day with the babies. There were only a few bad moments but the were momentous and bode very poorly for future days. The are climbing on chairs and then onto tables and spilling everybody's half-drunk drinks and pouring out half-bottles of pancake syrup for a little snack. Okay, it was mostly Amelia. But Anastasia went outside with me to get in the car before we took Grandpa to his flight physical and she shot off down the sidewalk and was to the opposite side of the neighbor's property before I could catch up with her. They have nearly figured out the divide and conquer method, where they split up and I can't grab both of them at the same time. It is time to break out the harnesses.

No, it's time for bed.

My Stomach Hurts Really Bad

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This weekend we took the kids to the mall--it's what everybody wanted. Lexi was not feeling well, but she figured she would not feel well whether she was at the mall or at home, so she, of course, opted for shopping. Even that could not hold her long. She kept getting sick and Mike took her home while we finished our shopping. The best deals were at Children's place, DEB and 579. Everybody got a little something--even the sick-o. She found the deals at DEB before she couldn't take it anymore.

She was asleep when we got home, but at 3 AM she came to our room crying. Mike took her to the hospital in Rockwall and called me throughout the night to update. She had a CAT scan to determine if it was ovarian cysts or appendicitis. It was appendicitis. I think it was around 9 that she went in for surgery and had her appendix removed.

I woke up not feeling well either. Lexi, Emylie and Mikey have recently had a 24hr. stomach flu. Emylie's came while she and Lexi were at girls camp, which they came back from on Friday. I was really tempted not to go to church, but Mikey and Claire had talks to give in primary and I had to direct choir before church. My blood sugar bottomed out and it was all I could do while I was leading the music during sacrament meeting to keep my arms moving--and, of course, I picked long songs this week. By the second hour, all of our obligations were fulfilled, and I was fading, so I got the kids out of their classes and tried to go home, but we stopped to see Lexi at the hospital. She was awake and doing pretty well. The did a simple 3-incision lacroscopic proceedure. She will be recovering at her mom's.

Mike was up all night and spent the whole day at the hospital except for the few minutes he squeezed out to come see Claire and Mikey's talks in primary. He came home around 7 and crashed. He will be back up at 5:30 so he can go see Lexi again before he goes to work. She will be released sometime tomorrow. Her mom will probably be there all day since she has the day off.

I added some pictures that Lexi took while we were sitting outside her mom's house after she got out of the hospital.

Life is good here. Thanks for asking.

Go Ni-Ni

I am upstairs waiting for the babies to follow me so I can put them in bed for their nap. They follow me everywhere. I do not have to tell them to come. They are at the bottom of the stairs now. They are tired from jumping on the trampoline.

There's Amelia. She's always first. She loves her nap. Finally Anastasia.

I took them to nursery in the final hour of church. They have 4 more weeks before they are officially old enough to go, but they were wired, tired and hungry. I packed a snack for them and left it on the kitchen counter. We were just in time for snack in the nursery though. I stayed with them and watched them interact with the other kids. Peyton was really interested in them and kept touching them and getting close to them. But the babies were not as interested in her as they were in singing time.

Then during bubble time, I don't know the girl's name but she used to love on the babies when we first moved here, she gently came up to them, one at a time, time after time, and hugged them. Which was so sweet to see because before she knocked them over when they were barely able to sit up when she tried to hug them.

They had a great time. I would have gone to my class, but I was having so much fun in there with them. I had choir practice just before church and one person plus my accompanist (thanks Rachel) showed up in the last 15 minutes--which is 1/2 the time allotted to us. I have a 1/2 hour window to try to teach people a song. That is not much of a sacrifice. I think people are like me. It is hard to remember things. That is why I will be making phone calls next week before church.

The babies have been playing here long enough. Anastasia just said Ni-ni? I said, "you ready?" and they both marched into the bedroom. Oops, I just remembered I took everything off their beds to wash them today.

Claire's Birthday

Next weekend is Claire's birthday, but her dad has her that weekend, so we celebrated with her this weekend. She is 11 now. She was complaining about not being able to go to girl's camp with Lexi and Emylie. I told her this would be the last year she did not go.

She wanted to see her old friends in Coppell, so we decided to have a party at the park we lived next to. Since she did not have contact information for most of those friends, we decided we would have a reverse surprise party. We knocked on the doors of all her old friends and said, "surprise! It's Claire's birthday. Want to come to our party?" Or something like that. Only her friends Lauren and Marissa (twin sisters) and two neighborhood boys and the family were able to come. The bulk of it was facilitated by our dear former neighbor, Sybil. She made cake and had balloons and streamers. I brought burgers and dogs to grill.

It was sprinkling before we started grilling. Then the sun shone magnificently for the party. Then, as soon as we had everything packed in the cars, a downpour began. I guess that was Claire's little birthday gift from Heavenly Father.

It was a lot better than what I got her. I was going to get her some of the advertised dollar flip-flops at Old Navy, but they were totally gone and had been for hours by the time we were done with all our fun. She did pick out a handbag while were were there (she already has 1/2 dozen of them). But wer were not able to find anything else in the remaining 1/2 hour of store hours. The store was a wreck after a major shopping day and finding anything was a bit of a challenge.

The kids had school off on Friday, and Claire asked me if I could come to her track and field day on Wednesday, so I figured I could come on Weds. and spend the night with my friend Theresa (who took me on the cruise) and her husband nearby and then take the kids home Thursday evening. I spent the day on Thursday working with Theresa in her yard and brought home a bunch of monkey grass. I only planted it along the back of the house until I could get the plastic border to plant it around my things out front. Three of my four new rose bushes are blooming. Myy friend, DeeDee gave me daylilies which probably won't do anything this year, but at least I have something besides the monstrous shrubs that the developers put in.

10 Minutes at the Park.

Amelia is sitting on my lap with a fever and I can hardly see the screen because my eyes are so puffy and swollen with allergies, but I missed you, and I don't feel like cleaning anything. Anastasia was really fussy this morning and was better after I put some teething gel on the tiny spot of gum between her front teeth and molars. While I was at it, I put some on Amelia since they always cut their teeth together. That may be why Amelia has a fever.

I finished my anthropology class, but I did not post any of my writing from there and now I can't because ANOTHER computer had a breakdown. Fortunately my assignment was turned in before the failure. The problem is the power supply. It is like a car having a dead battery. The engine is fine but it won't start. We will replace the power supply as soon as we get paid. I had a dream last light the Mike said we got paid early and it was $3000. I was a little disappointed to wake up with only a memory.

I put the babies in the wagon this morning and took them for a walk to the park. It was a solid 10 minute walk, 10 minute play time and 10 minute trip back. Anastasia was a little more excited about climbing and sliding. There are no swings in the neighborhood : ( We got home in time to watch Backyardagains over lunch. Then it was nap time.

I am looking forward to the American Idol finale. Kris made it to the top two because Mike voted for him. Mostly, Mike was hoping that Adam would get the boot. He can't stand the theatrics and doesn't think that Adam is anything like a rock star. I think Adam is expressive and creative and that he has a great voice, but I agree with Mike that Kris has a much better chance of being a really successful artist. Adam will have a ridiculously loyal fan base but he takes too many risks and will not appeal to the masses.


Kris is an all-around guy-next-door CU! TIE! He just needs a good producer to guide him through the music selection process and he will be all over the charts. Did you notice, he plays piano AND guitar. He is a good all-around musician.

I think it would be great if he won, but he will probably be better off if he doesn't. Idol fails to maximize the success of their artists.

A Job!

All the paperwork is signed, so Mike officially has a job. He spent Tuesday and Wednesday in Tyler (The lovely city in which we met 3 years ago this month) to do a network installation for the electric company's division there. He spent the night there last night because it was cheaper for the company to pay for a hotel than for gas 2 times. The babies are crying at my legs and trying to turn off my computer, even though I have spent more time playing with them and giving them attention than I have all week. It is 15 minutes till bedtime. They are bathed and ready. Once they are down it will be time for my American Idol results show, though I only saw Danny's performance last night, so I really don't know who to vote most likely to go home.

Alright, now I am typing with both of them in my lap and the screaming has not stopped. That means we flex on the 10 minutes till bedtime. It starts now.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Asleep

I don't even know how long it has really been, and I am really too tired to post anything, but I'll give you a sloppy snack of Janika's Latest. Kids were all here this weekend and we got to have a little adventure. It rained off and on all day Saturday, getting progressively worse through the evening. The sky got darker and greenish. The rain came down really hard. Hard enough that the kids were done playing in it. It got so intense that we couldn't really see out the window. But the kids were able to see well enough to know that the trampoline had been picked up by the wind and got its legs dropped out of their sockets. Our eastern fence blew over and the western one had a little more lean than it used to have. Our neighbors behind us got one of their fences knocked over too.

When it died down, the girls went outside to tell our eastern neighbor that their dogs were out and our fence was down. They worked together to put it back up. They said one of the neighbor ladies saw a funnel cloud and a bird get struck by lightning and explode. Don't know about all that, but there was flooding and a whole lot of fences and signs down this morning.

We never lost power. We heard at church that some people did, but they were not in our neighborhood.

This is the last week of my anthropology class, so I have a term paper due this week, so I will not be likely to post here in that time, unless I put up some of my anthropology discussions like I have been thinking of doing.

Now I have to convince my husband to go to bed.

But Hopeful

My brother-in-law is showing responsiveness and has been given tons of love and attention by family and local church members. Progress was most noticeable after a recent fast. Mike's relief is visible. I can see the burden lift from him. We are still tense, but not depressed.

I am taking Cultural Anthropology right now. I like it, but mostly I like being intellectually engaged. It is almost 10 AM and I have not heard the babies. I am sure they woke up this morning, but fell back asleep. They walk all over the place now. Their vocabulary is increasing. They are good at "bunny" and "bird" because that is what they always see out the kitchen window as they eat. Which is also why I have not planted a garden this year like I intended to. We have 3 bunnies that spend a lot of time in our yard. They would eat my garden all up, and I couldn't make a fence for it this year.

Time to check on the babies and eat breakfast.

Not Good

I am only a third-hand source for information on Max, but it would seem that it is time to step up the prayers. The doctors say that his rate of progress is such that his chances of coming out of the coma are very thin and that his brain damage is extensive enough that if he does come out that he could require full-time care.

Medical miracles are almost common. It is possible that the doctors could be wrong, but we have to be prepared for either possibility. There are heavy decisions to be made. Please pray for the decision makers (Craig, Consie, and the doctors) that they will get all the information they need and know what is best. Pray that they will have insights into the Lord's will for Max and the family, and that we will have the strength to accept it. I am still praying for a miracle, though.

In Case You Didn't See

These pictures are from our visit to the museum of flight at Dallas Love field and are the property of Corrie Alvarez. They are bigger on Facebook, but I don't know if you can access them without her being your friend, except the ones she has tagged me in.

This Week

The girls are walking more than crawling now. They have started mothering their baby doll. When they are in their car seats, they will sometimes reach out and hold each others hand and giggle at each other. They can reach to climb onto the couch now.

Amelia is very verbal. She likes copy what I say. She imitates sounds--anything she hears--and likes to make up her own streams of gibberish. She also loves to sing along whenever there is music.

Friday was Mike's Birthday. I bought him a cheesecake and "took him" to dinner at Razoo's (Cajun food for non-locals). The batter fried green beans were good. Mike had the gator tail (not a catchy non-descriptive name like buffalo wings, but literal gator tail) because that is his favorite, and the only place to really get it. Steve and Lori (old friends from Mike's Colorado days) joined us for that and gave Mike an iTunes gift card--very nice.

After that, Mike picked up Mikey and Steve and Lori came over to our place for a bit to play Rock Band. The newbs held their own very well. We had to call it off before too long, though because I was singing too loud and the babies couldn't sleep in those conditions. They had come over earlier in the week to eat dinner with us as well. It is really nice to have friends around.

The next morning I woke Mike to tell him that his parents were on the way to AZ to be with his youngest brother Max, who had been discovered on the roadside, not breathing after a motorcycle accident. The paramedics revived him, but he has been in a coma all along. They took him into surgery and removed some skull to relieve the pressure on the swelling brain. I just now got the message that his MRI shows a lot of blood clots. The doctor is not hopeful, but hope is all we have.

I am trying not to get wrapped up in future possibilities, but that means holding our breath and living moment to moment. Not knowing is the hardest part. Pray for all of us to have the strength to accept Heavenly Father's will, and that His will might include some level of recovery.

Easter Bunnies

We have bunnies that live in our back yard. Anastasia likes to watch them from out the window. They have a better view when they are in their high chairs. Two Sundays ago Anastasia made major strides in walking on her own. While Mike was gone to Utah to fetch some printing equipment with a friend for his business, she has made the transition from being a crawler to being a walker.

Amelia will stand up and walk on her own, but she is still pretty convinced that crawling is the way to go. She is also much more interested in raising her arms and getting people to carry her where she wants to go.

They have also both cut all four of their 2-year molars. When I was their age, I had 4 teeth total. What is silly, though, is they refuse to chew. They like to shove a bunch of stuff in their mouths and just swallow.

Their nap schedule has been off since daylight savings time. They are cutting back on the number of hours they sleep and are loosing a little of their baby pudge. Did I ever tell you I gave them their first haircut? Mike was not happy, but I am glad they no longer have a kentucky waterfall.

They fight over toys now--or over mom. They are doing a little bit of hitting and pushing. Then, sometimes when they play, one will be silly enough to stick her finger in the others mouth. She ends up crying. But they also giggle and hug each other, and will even comfort one another when one is sad.

Well over a month ago, I went to Emylie's Solo and Ensemble festival. She got a 1 on her solo. I snapped a few while she was hanging out with her friends. Andrew and Claire are the ones without matching shirts. The girl on the left is Emylie's buddy Samantha. Emylie has the short hair and choker.

Disconnected

It has been a really long time since I blogged. A big part of that is because my internet provider went out of business. Every month we have a 24hr minimum outage. If it happens over the weekend, it will not be taken care of until mid-day Monday. My jobless IT skilled husband has gone up to the office and offered his expertise for hire every time this happens.

Service went down early Thursday evening. Mike went up Friday morning prepared to actually go to work and not take no for an answer, but they brushed him off again. When we still did not have service on Monday, he went back and the office was closed--permanently. Thank goodness the credit card had a glitch when he tried to pay them, or we would be out 50 bucks for no reason.

The reason we went with that company in the first place was that our homeowners association has blocked the major providers out here, so there are only 3 choices--2 now. He found another company and pressed them for immediate installation. They got it set up on Wednesday--just short of a week after the other went down indefinitely.

Mike spent some time tracking down the Homeowners Association to complain as well. He was told that when they laid out the development, they installed fiber optics and are working on a contract with Verizon for FiOs delivery.

In the meantime, Mike and I got so behind on our online school work that we had to drop the classes. I can't describe the emptiness I felt not being connected to the world.

Spring Break

Everybody is here for spring break. But I don't really have a spring break for my online classes. So I don't have anything like a break. Claire is not feeling well today and the babies are still off and on with...uh...loose bowels.

Amelia had to be changed during Sunday school after I had been bragging about how I hardly knew where the changing tables were in our new building because my babies just didn't usually do that at that time of day. It wasn't a big mess, but there was a penny in her poopy panties. Last week Anastasia ate a bracelet. I thought my daughter had turned into an oyster and was turning out pearls, but those pearls I preferred not to fish out.

Perhaps this implies that my daughters need more supervision. Or that my house needs more keeping. But maybe I just need more help.

Life Beyond Blogging

One of the most important things I have had to do that has kept me from blogging, is get the final achievement in Hexic on the XBox. I can't explain the compulsion of it. I only wish the truly important things in life were as compelling. But I succeeded in getting over 2 million points after creating 6 black pearls and joining them in a circle. And, yes, I am a better person for it.

It was in pursuit of that goal that I noticed how quiet the kitchen was. As I expected, both babies had fallen asleep over their animal crackers.

They also have become afficianados of the Xbox themselves. I let them play with the uncharged extra controllers and the push the buttons. They cuss (euphamistically of course) and cheer the game like I do.

My digital achievements pale in comparison to the relief of getting our tax return. With 2 new baby deductions for 08, and a new home deduction, we are sitting pretty. Well, we would be if we weren't so far behind from being out of work for the past 6 months.

The girls can both walk, but do not. They still think crawling is a lot faster. They are 14 months old and one day. They h-a+ve bee+n really fu+ssy the+*96+st*9*99999 past few days because they have messy sick.d It has been really hard for me to get anything done. That was Anastasia's signa-ture, by the way. I don't know where Amelia is, but I am sure the click of the keyboard will lure her soon enough.

I missed sacrament meeting on Sunday because of stupid daylight savings time. Apparently they just decided to go with the songs the previous ward had used on the board, and I have no idea who ended up leading the music (because that is all my job, see).

I gave the babies their first hair cut yesterday. They do not have their cute little curls anymore, but they no longer look like they have mega-mullets. I am trying to help their short top hair catch up with their long back hair.

It was almost too warm here last week. I actually had to use the A/C. Now the heater is back on because we got a very wet cold front. We had tons of rain yesterday (2.6 inches). So I am stuck in the house, bored out of my mind while Mike parties in Denver because he had to go up there and pay a traffic ticket in person. They told him he would just have to pay and that would be the end of it, but they told him when he got there that he needed to appear in front of the judge and they needed 3 business days to get the paperwork together and set the date. We cannot afford to have him going back and forth, so he pushed them on the time frame and will be there until Monday, which will be nearly a week since he left.

I have actually talked to people on the phone lately more than read blogs. It is a kind of nice change, but I miss reading everybody else's. I am really far behind now.

I am enjoying my math class because I don't have the textbook everyone else has, so to make up for it, I have just been looking up stuff on the internet and came across coolmath.com Great website for all types of math. Get your kids on it. Tell them they can't play video games and surf the net until they have spent a certain amount of time on it--I'll tell you if that actually works for me over spring break.

I am going to grab some pictures for you and then I need to find both of the babies. I just remembered I left my bedroom door open.