Me

This website is about and for my family and friends. It is full of the conversational small talk of the comings, goings, and events of my family. Today, this is not for you. It is for me and it is about me.

I "read" Atlas Shrugged this week by Ayn Rand. I evaluated her philosophical concepts, appreciative of her thoughts and perspective. I got bored with the endless reiteration of her singular, minimally encompassing principle that the nobility of man's achievement must be each individual's choice solely for his enjoyment as his ultimate reward. I have loved discussing its strengths and weaknesses with my husband. He is the one who read it first and has been encouraging me to read it.

The biggest problem I have with it is that it reminds me that I have not matched the achievements I have aspired to. I have barely made significant progress. In so many areas and at so many times in my life I have studied something or done something that has opened my mind to my potential to contribute to that field or to the world in the utilization of any one of those abilities. Then I think, if I wear out my life to fulfill the sum of those abilities, I can't help but think that I would leave an indelible mark on the world when I leave it. It is not conceit or arrogance, but an awed humility that one small person could do so much.

But the wrenching agony of knowing and not becoming! "But you have 8 kids. Teaching them and taking care of them makes a difference in the world. Don't you value that role?" That role is valueless if I teach my children that they have the capacity to make a difference to change the world but not prove it by my actions, or at least write down the ideas for making it possible. If I only teach my daughters to be mothers and wives, I have taught them to be contracted and limited. It is our greatest power, but that power is magnified when it is not the only power.

The power to achieve the visions in my head does not lie solely in my power. My greatest frustration is that the skills and ideas I do have are not complete. They require other people who share my ideas and are committed to the achievement of it. I do not know who those people are. I do not know where they are. I do not know how to know who they are; to recognize their ability and invite their commitment. I have trouble believing that they will be true to the commitment because I do not expect anyone to be better than I am, and I have betrayed my commitments to myself again and again. And yet, I know that so many people are so much better than me in that regard. That is why I need them. I need to know that I am not the only one in this world who believes in my capacity and theirs. I need reinforcement. I do not need to learn endless new skills. I need to collaborate with those who already have the skills.

I suffer with loss. All the reaching thoughts I have had have been trusted to technology that has betrayed me by annihilating those thoughts, never to be retrieved again, or they have never left the recesses of my own mind and can no longer be retrieved.

This is not a post about depression and abandonment but an affirmation of hope and a commitment to continue the pursuit, regardless of the end result. The heights I might reach by falling short of the greatness I perceive within me will still leave me a place of honor and the patriarchal prophecy will be fulfilled that I will be called blessed by my posterity.

Keep moving forward, Janika. All things are possible. God will provide a way for you to accomplish the things which He has shown you you can be.