Magic

Connecting with Family

The first stop of our winter vacation was a dinner visit to the Rifley Grandparents in Mobile. I have only been able to see them twice before, and Andrew and Claire have never met their biological paternal grandfather and his mom, their great grandmother.

Matt (my children's father) did not meet his

biological dad (Ron Rifley) until he was almost 18. His mom and dad split when he was two after his dad was stationed in Korea for a year. We had Emylie and Isaac when we passed through Alabama on our way to live in West Point, New York. Grandma Ruth was not there at that time, but we met her and Uncle Bob in Houston when we were living in San Antonio. Claire was there, but certainly too young to remember.

We ate Pizza with Grandpa Ron and he showed the kids his fishing tackle shed and shark teeth, etc. Then we went on our merry way. His house was pretty different from the last time I had seen it because he had a few feet of water in it from Hurricane Katrina. Though I have no personal connection with them, it is very important to me for my children to be aware of and connected to their family.

The next thing we did was meet with Aunt MaryAnne and Riley and Dustin. We ate dinner at Fridays. The next day we went to Kennedy Space Center. Andrew loved it. The younger ones did not get that much out of it. For the money they charged, there was not that much there. I can only make myself feel good about it as a donation to the Space program. Mostly, though, we got to hang out with MaryAnne. I don't know if she got any pictures with the twins. I don't have any. Maybe next time.

She had to go to work the next day, so she left at five.

Unnatural Talent

There is a little understood secret about talent. It is not natural. It is God-given, but He only gives us seed packets. Some get a big fat packet. Some get a variety pack. Some get only a tiny bit of tiny seeds. No one gets the seeds scattered on the ground for them. Only they can open the packet and only they can plant the seed.

See, talent is nothing without work. Anyone who is asked to describe me is likely to mention something about my voice. They ask me about the training they assume I have had. Though I have never taken a formal voice lesson, I have spent hours of days and weeks of months singing and listening to myself; studying and copying great vocalists. I have sifted through the voices I modeled and tried to find my own. Sometimes I have been intensely focused on a specific performance. Other times I have been focused on the hope of being a well-known performer. But many times, I have let that hope fall dormant and I stop practicing. I never stop singing. But when I am not focused on becoming, my voice gets lazy and I lose the sound quality which qualifies all the accolades I have received and have hoped to receive. Talent is not natural. It is work.

When I go back to my passion (what you are passionate about is your talent) I thrill again to reach notes, match expression of the artists I study, and seek, and breathe my own life and meaning into it. The muscles become strong again and my confidence increases. Unleashing my own ability is a thrill which only makes me hungrier to share that ability with others. It just seems like such a waste if I am the only one who knows.

Then there is dance. It makes me feel alive. For years my body has rested from the intense effort and exertion of regular dance. And yet, my muscles thrill with the strain of doing a develope into a rond de jambe. The tension of my unused muscles is joyfully wakened by a deep stretch. Though I have never seen myself becoming a professional dancer, it is a talent that I love to develop, use, and share.

Whenever I hit a lull in my aspirations, I explore the thought that maybe I have been delusional for all these years and I should just be content to be an average person. I try to wrap my head around the idea that it is okay for Janika to focus exclusively on day to day realities. The thought makes me ache. I could let go of the tension of unfulfilled hopes and expectations in an attempt to be satisfied with less than my best, but I would be left with emptiness and purposelessness.

Some people are content with average. Some people find great joy in a common life. There is something exceptional about that which I respect. When anyone lives their life to their fullest, they deserve the highest honor no matter how average it is.

My discontent is because I know I am not living my own life to the fullest. Sometimes I get glimpses of my own greatness. It awes and humbles me as God lets me peek at who I can become. Often it is through the eyes of admiring peers. I would not believe in myself if so many people had not told me all my life how unique or talented I was.

Maybe if I only had one passion I would be able to work it and succeed better than I have. But music and dance are the beginning of my passion. I love words. I love giving meaning and expression to thought. I find great satisfaction in letting people into my mind. I have an intense need to preserve thoughts which I might never recall otherwise. It is the very smallest legacy I can leave. The simplest, and most vital. Who was I and what did I do while I was here? My family at least should be able to discover those things.

I even find great satisfaction in cleaning a house down deep until it sparkles. More so when I create something for my house and put a room together in a new way. However, I find daily maintenance exhausting. My passion for it does not exceed the required effort of it when maintenance takes away from my ability to work in other areas of passion.

My point here is that talent is work that brings joy and satisfaction. It yearns for expression and gives purpose. Whether it is simple or grand, the key to success is that it is a profound part of being that generates a sense of need and brings joy when realized. "When you've got it you've got it" but when you don't use it you loose it. Talent is not natural, it is work. And work is fun.

Take Two iTest

Picture from an iPhone published from a MacBook.

Turkeyless Trip

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Mike's parents and all of our kids at our house one week early. The "real" Thanksgiving day we spent travelling to Craig and Consie's house in Missouri, not expecting anyone to be there, but Mike's dad was for that day. It was just the babies and I with Mike so we could hang out there while he and his brother Matt went hunting, which they did on Saturday. Mike did a little bit on Friday as well. They did not see a single deer all weekend.

We drove home on Saturday night because we decided after Thursdays day trip with the babies that we would only go nighttime with them from now on. We left at 8 last night and got home at 6 this morning, napped for a couple of hours and got ready for our 1:00 church meetings in our newly remodeled/added on to building.

I just got back from driving another two hours to pick up the kids who have been with their dad all week. I should not have even turned on the computer because I am falling asleep at the keyboard. Mike has already been asleep for 2 hours. But I just wanted to post a picture from the iPhone to see if I liked the picture quality of it on my blog. The one Mike sent me from his iPhone is a horse at his parents house which we might buy. I just tried to post it, but it saved as a zipped file and blogger can't upload it. IPhone picture to blog transfer strike ONE!

(Mike wants me to have an iPhone, but I am a little anti-apple and a lot anti -trend, -spend, and -technology is my friend.)

Home Improvement

This week has been busy with evidence. I sewed eight sashes for cub scout patches, 6 102" Drapery panels and 3 valences. This weekend I painted my living room and hung the aforementioned drapes. Because my ceilings are a little bit high and I did not have an adequate ladder, I made good use of my Isaac. Pray that your children will be taller than you. It helps justify slavery. I really appreciated all he did to help, and could not have done it without him.

Claire and Andrew kept the babies occupied all day, which was another key factor in my success. They mostly played outside and made the trampoline into a tent with the blankets Claire and her friend used to sleep on it the night before. See, we live in Texas and this is the time of year when it is good to sleep outside. Before the end of September, it is just too hot and muggy and buggy.

I also started studying for my English Lit CLEP test. I did not do well at all on the practice test, so I have a ton of reading to do. I read Beowolf--out loud to the babies in a Welsh and Germanic accents. They did not listen with rapt attention by any stretch. In fact they tried to get me to stop at times. After a while they realized I would not stop and went about their own business--sort of, you know.

I know you want pictures of my new living room, but that will not be seeing it until I have a working camera again. I guess Devanie takes all her pictures on her video camera. I could do that if I wanted to, I suppose, but that would mean having to learn something new, and English lit has me maxxed out. Sorry. Doesn't mean I love you less. Thanks for stopping by.

What a Treat

Last year I realized too late that I could take my infants trick-or-treating and eat all the candy myself, so I did not take the babies around the neighborhood for something they would get nothing out of. This year they were ready to get the concept of door-to-door beggary.

I dressed them up as---ummmm---winged babies? They wore their orange sherbet Sunday dresses with wings on the back. ADORABLE. One had green wings and the other had orange wings.

They went to the first house with trepidation. Then when they got the candy, the man at the door looked a lot more friendly. They thought maybe they should go in the house and become very good friends. I told them to say "Thank you. Bye bye." I turned them around and walked them to the next house (with a little help from the other trick or treaters (Andrew, Claire, and Mikey). When they got candy again, despite the ugly witch sitting in the chair who gave it to them, they started to catch on. Amelia ran ahead of everyone to the third house--nylon and wire wings bouncing all the way.

Neither of them ever said trick or treat, or anything like it. But they got a sugar rush with daddy before a late bedtime. They are still recovering from lack of sleep. I am disappointed with the candy quality in our neighborhood. Where's my chocolate? Guess I'll have to go hit halloween candy clearance rack.

Bubble Bath

A couple of days ago--maybe even yesterday, Andrew asked me when the babies were going to have their first bubble bath. They are in the tub now (Bathroom door is 5 feet away from me) and they managed to open a bottle of shampoo in their water, so they are having their first bubble bath. I don't do bubble baths for little girls generally, so they treated themselves to something wonderful and I am letting them enjoy it. It makes me feel better about the waste of a 1/2 bottle of Loreal Kids shampoo.

Over the weekend Mike was in Missouri again, so I took the opportunity to paint the babies' bedroom and two garage sale toddler beds. I only have one of the beds put together because I cannot find where I put the hardware for the other--exceptionally frustrating. So one is sleeping on the crib mattress on the floor. They are having a great time in their new bedroom, but they are not napping as well. 2 out of 3 days they have slept, though so they will continue to adjust and nap.

I have to do my homework and make 5 costumes today and get ready for a major Halloween party, but I thought I would share.

Down With the Sickness, Yo

Mike may be the only one who has not gotten the second round of 2-day headache-fever-weakness. Everybody has missed a couple of days of school. The babies spent an entire day cuddled in our laps. I called off choir practice and missed church. Those who have recovered still have coughing mucus. There have been 15 swine flu deaths in the Dallas area and a few people in my ward have gotten it. But it does not worry me at all. I did not even consider taking anyone to the doctor because nothing has been that serious. I did go so far as to give the babies Tylenol, but the older kids got echinacea, and fluids as did I. Other than that, the human body is amazing and can take care of itself with minimal help and financial outlay.

I spent yesterday in my weakened state of recovery washing sheets, towels, blankets at my husband's request and all the regular Monday laundry. I still had two more loads to do this morning. I think my dryer is not working properly. It takes way too long to dry. It is a Kenmore Elite that I bought less than 3 years ago and it is falling apart on every level. All my appliances are going to be GE from now on (because I do not want to go super high end LG and whatever).

I kept the TV running all day to slow my pace and give me an excuse to sit down. And I still managed to hand in my rough draft for my term paper 2 hours ahead of schedule. I am that good--even if I don't feel that great. Time to let the babies out of their beds.

Sleep Patterns

I took Emylie and her friend to First Monday Trade Days in Canton this weekend with her friend. We met up with Sybil, our former next door neighbor. I bought a couple of Christmas presents and a special, but expensive organizational tool--an antique miniature trunk.

Monday, the kids here had the day off for "Fair Day" so they could utilize the free tickets to go to the state fair, but if you already read my previous post, you know that we did that already. We had a work day instead. They helped me clean house and watch babies. I sanded down a toddler bed to paint so I can put away the babies cribs. They are almost 21 months now. Tragically, they have not taken naps for the past four days. I am concerned that they are not going to anymore. I have never had children stop naps this early. I only know that when it takes more time and effort to get them to take a nap than you get from then napping, it is time to quit. I will still institute a mandatory stay-in-your-bedroom time if this is permanent. But I need to put them in bed by seven instead of eight if that is the case.

My mom called me Sunday morning to let me know that my grandma is in hospice care and not expected to live much longer. Last night I woke up at 2:30 and did not get back to sleep until almost 4. I had a lot of things troubling me because of a certain child of mine, but I thought of my grandma and how long she has been without her husband and how joyous their reuniting embrace. That hoped for joy gave me peace and helped me to relax and get back to sleep.

Still, I feel very groggy and would have been grateful to not have to take Isaac to Seminary or respond to my husbands alarm for work.

For Me

I have not been motivated to post lately because I thrive on the comments of others, and nobody seems to be reading blogs anymore, so I need to get into the mindset that this is my journal for me. The trouble is, there is not too much I want to talk about these days. Nothing is bad. It some ways it is too good. I don't want to rub it in everyone else's faces or have them comment about how jealous they are. But after 8 months of being unemployed we finally got a job and it is a great job. Mike is making big money and we are spending it.

I have not taken pictures, but we got a new living room and dining room set. The couch is a squarish contemporary sectional and the dining set (which shares the same open space is an ultra traditional dark wood with huge leather chairs with nailhead trim. We still have to replace the "builders special" "chandelier" and have the 3-pendant light set picked out. I have also bought paint to cover up the contractors flat white walls and have no idea when I will be able to actually put it on the walls. I assure you, I will not be doing it while the babies are awake. There are a ton of other home improvement things I want to do, like get the toddler bed up and put away the crib and pack 'n' play and fix up the girls bedroom. All the kids need to have their rooms painted. We also want to put in hardwood floors and tile in the kitchen and bathrooms. I will not be doing the bathrooms. I have done a bathroom before, but taking out the toilet and getting it back in makes it more of a chore than I am willing to do.

Isaac is at Seminary right now and the other kids should be getting ready for school, but I don't think Claire has made it out of her room.

We went to the Texas State Fair this weekend and tried the deep-fried butter. It looked like a donut hole with a juicy center of melted butter. Sprinkled with powdered sugar and dipped in jam, it was almost like food. However, it left a film of fat on the palette. We can say we have tried it. That is enough. We will stick to the funnel cake.

Potty Training Twins

Talking about bodily functions isn't couth, but old people and mothers of young children seem obsessed with it. Maybe because it is such a dominant feature of our lives.

The babies are now 20 months old so I have been introducing potty training concepts. I have put training pants (real ones not diapers that pull up) on them a few times. The comfort of the big girl panties compared to diapers and the unmistakable sensation of wetness have made them very aware of their need to go pee. Anastasia has successfully used the potty seat. They both love to sit on it, but because they are fighting over who gets to sit on it, they don't concentrate on business. Then, even when I hold one on the big potty while the other sits on the little one, they just want to get up after a few seconds. This is one situation where it really changes the dynamic from that of having just one kid to work with.

They are both getting the concepts, though. Anastasia even grabbed herself the other day and said "Potty!" so we rushed to the bathroom, but she did not do anything. Potty training is such a chore. It takes so much focus and dedication (which is why so many of today's lazy parents don't train their kids--or have their kids train themselves--until they are almost in Pre-K these days). However, the effort is well worth the result. That is why children are infinitely better than pets. After just a few short years, you don't have to have anything to do with their poo poo anymore.

Time to let the beasts out of their cage. They are awake now.

Mike Mulligan's Steam Shovel

A couple of years ago I took the backroads through Kansas on the way to Missouri and saw a big old steam shovel on the side of the road and vowed to take pictures of it for LeeJoe the next time I passed through that way. I guess it is for Zach, too. This was the very last stop of our 5,000 mile trip.

Back

Back to school, back online, back up your files, go back to the old post and see the trip pics I was finally able to post. Behind my back is the door to the babies' room where they just woke up and I can smell them from out here. And I should go back downstairs and do another load of laundry.

15 minutes later....
I'm back. Goodness grosscious! I should have gone in at the first hint of noise and odor. Someone (who shall remain nameless) decided that poop was an appropriate medium for art. Two babies are now clean, and the artwork is no more. Now I REALLY need to go do another load of laundry.

40 Minutes later....
Back again. Grody laundry in machine, babies fed. Now where was I?

My internet was not working partly because of a virus and partly because of something else. After Mike fixed the virus there was still a bunch of reconfiguring and who knows what that he had to do, and I didn't ask him about it because we were both so tired and stressed out last night that we ate, and vegitated in front of the TV for 1/2 hour after dinner and went to bed.

The kids had their first day back at school yesterday. Then I went to get myself registered at the local college for some courses that I can't get with my online stuff. I had the babies with me and spent 3 hours there to finally get to the counselor who said I did not have the information she needed (even though I had already emailed her with the information she needed) so she told me to go home and get it and come back within the hour so we could finish up the application. Me retrieving the information required my use of the internet. The kids would be coming home from their first day of school when I went out the second time and the babies needed a nap. It was the last day and last hour of registration, so I will just stick to my online stuff this semester.

Isaac is in 10th grade this year. He is starting in a brand new school (to everybody, not just him). There are only 9th and 10th graders there, so his class is the head honcho. Next year, when he is in 11th, they will add that grade to the school. Same thing for when he is in 12th. His class will always be the big dogs on campus and they will be the first graduating class. I am excited for him.

Emylie decided, despite formal counseling and much intense and loving discussion that she wanted to stay with her dad this year. That is the thing about split families--you just don't have as much control as a parent as parents should have. Making a stink doesn't make it better. But I did try. I can take the rejection personally, or I can recognize that it is just a no win situation for any child who loves both of their parents and keep loving her.

Claire is in 6th and has 3 different teachers. Her homeroom teacher is male. That is her first time having a male teacher. Andrew had one in second grade. She went into the classroom on Meet the Teacher Night and saw the desk labeled Ty and definitively concluded that it was the boy across the street all the kids hang out with (along with brother PJ and sister Patience). So she claimed the neighboring desk.That reminds me, PJ is in Isaac's Theater class.

Andrew is in 4th and has two teachers. He has a couple of friends from around the neighborhood he was able to hang out with. He is excited about having his own locker.

Nobody had homework except me. About a year ago to this day, I bought a new house. At the title office there was an endless stack of papers to formalize the sale and legalize the conditions of the sale. I would prefer to do that every year, rather than back to school "closing." Each classroom had a separate set of classroom expectations which needed to be read and signed as well as filling out contact information for each of the teachers to keep in thier classrooms. Fine. But what set me over the top, was that I had to fill out the EXACT same forms I has already filled out for registration in the past month. Every one of them. WHY!!!? Then, after spending inordinate amounts of time doing school shopping (uniforms, supplies, and accessories) I get another list from each of Isaac's teachers (6?) of things he needs, because high school can't be made uniform like Elementary.

On the up side, high schoolers do not get endless lists of things they will never use which will be distributed to other students and/or hoarded by teachers. Claire and Andrew EACH had 72 pencils on their school list. 72! That's 2 per week of the school year! I remember going through as many as 4 pencils per year. Honestly! I sent my children to school with pencil bags full of miscellaneous Primary birthday pencils and novelty prints along with partly used yellow no. 2's from previous school years. And one new package of 10 for each. Let's see what gets confiscated and what they get to keep.

Anyway, it is now hours since I started this post. I have gotten 4 loads of laundry in and have 6 to go. My fans may notice that I am doing laundry on Thursday rather than the Monday I love. Back to school has me all out of whack. I am looking forward to settling into our routines.

Now I need to do my very own homework for my online classes. I have two writing assignments due by midnight, which includes 4 chapters of reading, which I have not been able to do because of internet issues and back to school busyness.

Time to get back to my life.

Five Thousand Miles

In seventeen days we have covered 13 states and 5,000 miles. We helped my mom move everything out of her condemned house that she had moved into it a couple of weeks before. We stayed there in Kirksville and Brashear for a full day then took off for Nauvoo. That was only a couple of hours away. She is the backroad halfway point between Far West Missouri and Nauvoo. We arrived just in time for some of the pre-pageant activities and to get decent seats for the big show. It was pretty moving which is made all the more poigniant knowing that it was such a pivotal place for many of our ancestors.

We spent the night at the White House Inn on the main street of town. Nice place. Then we spent all the next day touring the sites and attending events. I got to talk to some of the pageant cast members who gave me some information that will help me finish putting my pageant together--hopefully. We ate dinner and headed out for an all night drive. I drove until about 11pm then mom took over. I traded back in the morning and we landed at Devanie's in the late afternoon.

We hung out for a couple of days. On Saturday Nathan's family wanted to get together, so we were invited to go with. We went to Jungle Jims indoor amusement park. It was essentially a souped up Chuck-E-Cheese with a couple of fair kiddie rides. The babies went on a mini-roller coaster and had a blast after the initial fear wore off. It was the merry-go-round that terrified Amelia. She didn't fuss, she just bugged her eyes and clenched her jaw while gripping the pole. We went to church with Devanie on Sunday.

On Sunday evening we headed up to see Kim and Gwen in Idaho. While there, we took some time to surprise Grandma Leavitt with a visit. She didn't recognize us at first. It has been a very long time since she has seen any of my kids. Mom insisted that I leave her and the babies there while the older kids and I went to Yellowstone the next day. It took four hours to get there. We drove the loop around the main park and saw all the major geyser basins. We waited a long time for Old Faithful, but it did not disappoint, despite all the pre-gush teasers. We "camped" in the park and were ready to tackle Uncle Tom's trail which leads to a pretty stunning view of the Yellowstone Grand Canyon the next morning. By then the kids felt like they had seen everything they needed to see, so we headed out. But we could not leave without stopping at the museum in West Yellowstone to see "Old Snaggletooth." My mom had told us about how she had heard about and seen him while she worked there in the summers during college in the sixties and was surprised to see him in the museum some years later when she went back to visit with her young family. He was killed by poachers according to the sign.

We went back to Kim and Gwen's to collect Mom and the babies and headed back to Devanie's. We spent Wednesday and Thrusday at the Lagoon amusement park with Mom, again, insisting on keeping the babies. Devanie and her kids were with us on the first day, but the second day it was just me and my older kids.

Friday we went to see my Uncle Jared and his kids at Twin Falls, Idaho. He has the best matched set of kids for mine. Tyler is a girl who is Emylie's age. Jayden is Claire's age and Jackson is close to Andrew's age. Isaac will always be the odd man out. Nobody was having boys when I was. While we were there, Lee Joe managed to bring his family to see us for a few minutes. We all went on a hike together. Instead of leaving like I planned to, we stayed one more night. That gave the kids the opportunity to ride the ATV's and motorcycles. Andrew even tried to learn how to ride Jackson's little 3 speed. I think that was one of their favorite things about the whole trip.

We drove all Sunday and got to Far West on Monday morning. Mom and I took a short nap. Mom and Dad Skembo had just arrived there themselves. They have spent all summer in Arizona taking care of Max and his medical needs. All of us decided to stay an extra day we just enjoyed each others company and helped a little around the store and on the farm. Tuesday I took Mom back to her house and came back for one more night of rest and to get all packed up. We left at 8am and got home around 6pm. Home seemed like such a foreign place, but the babies were so happy to see their daddy.

Now we have to clean out the van so I can find the data cable for my camera so you can see what I am talking about.

New Blogs

I have added Claire's new blog to the feed on the side. She started it last month, but has not had access to it, and no one has commented on her posts because nobody knew about them.

I have also decided to start another blog of my own that will act, essentially, as a way to preserve my personal writings. Most of them at this time will be various written assignments for my college classes. They will be intellectually stimulating for those who are into that sort of thing.

We went to Cedar Creek Lake this weekend with our friend Steve. His wife Lori is in Colorado trying to get away from the Texas heat--and taking care of the house they own there. Lexi and Mikey have been here for over a week now, so they came too. Elizabeth, Lexi's childhood BFF/sister came along as well. Since I nearly drowned at Paradise lake during a stake youth activity, I have not been that interested in swimming in natural bodies of water. I love a pool, for the indicators on the side that let me know ahead of time when I am in over my head. This weekend I waded in to my chest and held at least one of the babies the whole time we played--less than 2 hours. My arms are really sore because of it, but we did have a really good time. My shoulders are really pink now, too.

I don't know if I told you about my refrigerator. We got a new one for our anniversary on the 17th of last month. I woke up one morning and the old one had a burnt out light and the drink I poured for myself was not cold at all, so we thought the fridge was not working anymore. Mike had already found a new one he wanted, so he had it delivered. I later found out that the pitcher I had poured my drink from had been left out all night and Claire had put it in the fridge just before I came to the kitchen. Anyway, here is a picture of Anastasia in front of it. It has the lower drawer freezer, which I did not think I would like that much, but I do. It is very well designed.

Scott and Arren

I finally got my camera loaded into the computer, so I have added a few pictures to posts you may have already read. Here are a few more in context.

Scott and Arren came for a visit from the other side of the world (Washington State). We went to visit Cash and Tara on the other side of the Metro and got a group shot. Mike is not in it because he was at work and I am not in it because I took the picture.

Tara had just gotten back from her first day of work after a medical leave, so she was really tired, but we had a wonderful time talking to them and they were very tolerant of the babies exploring the apartment living room. Jayden was the worst. Ha ha.

The next day, Arren and I went on a walk to the park with the babies. When we got home we realized Anastasia had thrown her shoe out of the stroller somewhere along the way. I left to retrace our steps and find the thing. It was hot and I'd had enough of walking so I took the van. Before I left, I sprained my ankle really badly, but Arren didn't know until I came back with the shoe and couldn't quite walk.

Run-in with the law.

Fun Fourth weekend with just the six of us, rather than the ten of us. We went to the Fourth Breakfast, hung out for a little bit, went swimming, hung out a little bit, went to see a "display" of fireworks and joined with Lexi and Mikey's mom and her boyfriend to set off fireworks. We did not get to see the city fireworks, but we got instruction about city ordinances for fireworks. Apparently their subdivision is still in "city limits" and they had the police out in force. The whole collection of purchased fireworks was on the front lawn and was confiscated (to be used at an end of shift police celebration).

We wrapped up the fun and Mike went down the street to the fireworks stand and bought some fun of his own to be released in our neighborhood, which does not, as yet, have such restrictions on fireworks.

Mikey and Lexi are here for the week. Mikey and I are touring the world with a two-piece band. We got our plane last night. Now he needs to get off Tony Hawk so we can continue the tour. I completed a successful solo tour last week. We have gone swimming and to the park. The babies are looking a little brown and their blonde hair is a little brighter. My legs still have a bit of an iridescent cast to them, but the chalkiness is minimized. Lexi and I just got back from getting pedicures.

Life is pretty good. Love all the way around.

Me

This website is about and for my family and friends. It is full of the conversational small talk of the comings, goings, and events of my family. Today, this is not for you. It is for me and it is about me.

I "read" Atlas Shrugged this week by Ayn Rand. I evaluated her philosophical concepts, appreciative of her thoughts and perspective. I got bored with the endless reiteration of her singular, minimally encompassing principle that the nobility of man's achievement must be each individual's choice solely for his enjoyment as his ultimate reward. I have loved discussing its strengths and weaknesses with my husband. He is the one who read it first and has been encouraging me to read it.

The biggest problem I have with it is that it reminds me that I have not matched the achievements I have aspired to. I have barely made significant progress. In so many areas and at so many times in my life I have studied something or done something that has opened my mind to my potential to contribute to that field or to the world in the utilization of any one of those abilities. Then I think, if I wear out my life to fulfill the sum of those abilities, I can't help but think that I would leave an indelible mark on the world when I leave it. It is not conceit or arrogance, but an awed humility that one small person could do so much.

But the wrenching agony of knowing and not becoming! "But you have 8 kids. Teaching them and taking care of them makes a difference in the world. Don't you value that role?" That role is valueless if I teach my children that they have the capacity to make a difference to change the world but not prove it by my actions, or at least write down the ideas for making it possible. If I only teach my daughters to be mothers and wives, I have taught them to be contracted and limited. It is our greatest power, but that power is magnified when it is not the only power.

The power to achieve the visions in my head does not lie solely in my power. My greatest frustration is that the skills and ideas I do have are not complete. They require other people who share my ideas and are committed to the achievement of it. I do not know who those people are. I do not know where they are. I do not know how to know who they are; to recognize their ability and invite their commitment. I have trouble believing that they will be true to the commitment because I do not expect anyone to be better than I am, and I have betrayed my commitments to myself again and again. And yet, I know that so many people are so much better than me in that regard. That is why I need them. I need to know that I am not the only one in this world who believes in my capacity and theirs. I need reinforcement. I do not need to learn endless new skills. I need to collaborate with those who already have the skills.

I suffer with loss. All the reaching thoughts I have had have been trusted to technology that has betrayed me by annihilating those thoughts, never to be retrieved again, or they have never left the recesses of my own mind and can no longer be retrieved.

This is not a post about depression and abandonment but an affirmation of hope and a commitment to continue the pursuit, regardless of the end result. The heights I might reach by falling short of the greatness I perceive within me will still leave me a place of honor and the patriarchal prophecy will be fulfilled that I will be called blessed by my posterity.

Keep moving forward, Janika. All things are possible. God will provide a way for you to accomplish the things which He has shown you you can be.