A Little Honesty

The kids are out of school and off to Austin to visit their grandma on Matt's side. I had a Claire-and-Mommy sleepover with Claire before they left, since she will be having her birthday at Grandma's house. It wasn't as fun for her as I would have liked it to be. We went to Olive Garden (which did not taste at all as good as I remember) and went shopping at Old Navy, the only problem was that a friend of mine came along and Claire and Mommy was not the focus of it all. I was with her all the next morning, but was at a loss for something to do with her. We would have gone swimming, but it was early, and still too cold. She was bored. I hadn't planned anything in particular. I'm just not good at making special times out of everyday moments.

I was so looking forward to this summer travelling with the kids. Those are special memories that will always last. I was able to scrape those trips together when I was single and living off of child support, but I wanted to be able to splurge a little more and let the kids enjoy a little more. I promised them last year that we would go to Disneyland this year. With Mike's Iraq job, we would have had plenty of money to do that. It looked like we would be living high on the hog, now we are back to wallowing with them.

Mike and I got in a fight this afternoon (mild compared to some others) until we both broke down crying because we realized we were both experiencing the same frustration and struggle. I'm so tired of feeling tossed with the waves. I told him, "We're going to be together a long time--because if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything." This has been the most difficult year of my life. There was a one-month blip when I got a divorce that was a magnitude of difficult, but it did not require the patience and endurance of this year. The whole period between divorce and remarriage did not seem to have this degree of uncertainty--or, oddly, this sense of alone-ness. I used to talk on the phone for hours. Nobody calls me anymore. When I call (not that often) the conversation doesn't last and/or I keep it shallow. I called Jodi the other night when I realized I just couldn't handle it anymore by myself. That was such a huge help. I was reminded how important it is for me not to bottle up.

It may sound like I'm really depressed, but I am actually doing better than I was at my last posting. Being grateful was an attempt to push away the worst of my feelings. Now I am far enough away from it that I can talk about it.

It's gonna be okay, 'cause something's gotta give.