This is stinking hard. It doesn't matter how good the kids are, how everyone gets along or how much you all love each other, there will be conflict. When there are only four days a month that everyone is together, progress in conflict resolution is exceptionally difficult. That is compounded by the fact that there are other parties involved outside the home who have concerns about the children, and often differing views that may be in direct conflict with your own goals and resolutions.
Fairness. It doesn't matter how hard you try, the biological children or the step-children will feel like you are showing favoritism or being somehow unfair. You absolutely cannot discipline a step-child as severely as you do your own children because the history of love isn't there to balance out the severity, so any correction to the step kids makes you the wicked stepmother. Then, because you are not as harsh with them, your own children feel like you love them less. Somehow balancing that is an extraordinary feat.
But the children are the smallest part of it. The biggest problem is having two different child rearing perspectives (same as any parenting relationship) and then having experience-reinforced child-rearing opinion. That may not be such a problem in a relationship with passive, amiable people. Two stubborn thick-heads in this situation multiplies the difficulty. Mike and I spend an average of 20 minutes every weekend that the kids are here, locked up in our room discussing how to deal with a child or situation. It is rarely a calm discussion.
It's just stinking hard.
What is Genius?
12 years ago
4 comments:
We had step-kids live with us a couple times growing up. I remember feeling a little less loved a couple times. I remember lots of conflict for the short time they were with us. It is so very complicated. Sorry I don't have advice or comfort to give but I will offer sympathy if that helps. I hope at some point it gets easier--maybe after they are all grown and on their own? Hope it is not that long though.
I know I only see a fraction of your kids for a few hours a week but I gotta tell you that you two must be doing something right because they are sure a joy to be around each Sunday!
So, keep up the sinking hard work!
Thanks for this, I shared it via email with my sil who is soon to be divorced.
Mama, it's hard w/o blending families, so I can only imagine! (((hugs)))
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