A Little Honesty

The kids are out of school and off to Austin to visit their grandma on Matt's side. I had a Claire-and-Mommy sleepover with Claire before they left, since she will be having her birthday at Grandma's house. It wasn't as fun for her as I would have liked it to be. We went to Olive Garden (which did not taste at all as good as I remember) and went shopping at Old Navy, the only problem was that a friend of mine came along and Claire and Mommy was not the focus of it all. I was with her all the next morning, but was at a loss for something to do with her. We would have gone swimming, but it was early, and still too cold. She was bored. I hadn't planned anything in particular. I'm just not good at making special times out of everyday moments.

I was so looking forward to this summer travelling with the kids. Those are special memories that will always last. I was able to scrape those trips together when I was single and living off of child support, but I wanted to be able to splurge a little more and let the kids enjoy a little more. I promised them last year that we would go to Disneyland this year. With Mike's Iraq job, we would have had plenty of money to do that. It looked like we would be living high on the hog, now we are back to wallowing with them.

Mike and I got in a fight this afternoon (mild compared to some others) until we both broke down crying because we realized we were both experiencing the same frustration and struggle. I'm so tired of feeling tossed with the waves. I told him, "We're going to be together a long time--because if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything." This has been the most difficult year of my life. There was a one-month blip when I got a divorce that was a magnitude of difficult, but it did not require the patience and endurance of this year. The whole period between divorce and remarriage did not seem to have this degree of uncertainty--or, oddly, this sense of alone-ness. I used to talk on the phone for hours. Nobody calls me anymore. When I call (not that often) the conversation doesn't last and/or I keep it shallow. I called Jodi the other night when I realized I just couldn't handle it anymore by myself. That was such a huge help. I was reminded how important it is for me not to bottle up.

It may sound like I'm really depressed, but I am actually doing better than I was at my last posting. Being grateful was an attempt to push away the worst of my feelings. Now I am far enough away from it that I can talk about it.

It's gonna be okay, 'cause something's gotta give.

Isaac's School Project

Look! New Post!

It is nearing the end of the semester for a certain seventh grader. That means there are a bunch of project and assignments due. Of course, Isaac has avoided telling us about these things, or has puttered around so much that it is like waiting till the last minute. For english, he had to make a five-page comic, which I didn't have to be on him about too much. I can't even remember what the other two projects were. He has been working all sememster on his County Project for Texas history. There were 11 projects. He had done them, but some of them were not so good. His teacher made a deal with him that if he redid all of the projects and tidied it up, he could up his grade on those assignments. I had been trying for weeks to get him to redo a project every night. Monday before they were due, on Tuesday he ended up having to complete three of the projects.

His drama project was due that day as well, but I asked his teacher for an extension because it was a music video, and I had left my video camera at a friend's house. She was shipping it to me and it would not arrive until the due date. So we spent tuesday night making the video. I sent Isaac to bed and ended up staying up until 2:30 editing it. I had never done such a thing. We had to use two different editing programs to put it together because the one that was malfuctioning for final edit was the only one that made it easy to cut clips to paste into the timeline. It was actually really cool.

I have never done homework for a child, but I don't think I robbed Isaac of any learning experience that he will not be able to make up in the near future. It was just drama class anyway.

I was asked a couple of weeks ago to do a skit for Relief Society Enrichment meeting. I was to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Aahs. The skit was something some goofy mormon woman in some distant land had posted on the internet. It was horrid. I was trying to memorize it last night in the last hour before Enrichment meeting, and Isaac informed me that he had to be at the school for his band concert in 20 minutes. I tried to call the RS President and the enrichment counselor to let them know I would be late, but they were already at the church setting up, I guess. I knew that our number was the opening, so I would mess up a lot of things if I was late.

Isaac's concert started at 6:45. I left in the middle of the last number at 7:00 and left Isaac to walk home. Mike was at a friend's working on his computer. I called and asked him to pick Issac up. He got dinner for the boy, and I made it in time to run over the play in the bathroom with the other two sisters who were in it during the opening song and prayer and announcements. We blundered through it and our audience had a good time. I don't know if they understood the message. Fortunately, they had a cooking class that amounted to a meal, because I was starving.

That almost sounded like a Kim, posting, didn't it?

Second Coming

Yes, my husband has returned. The company did not submit his security clearance right, and so he became ineligible for the position. We don't know how long is will take to correct the situation, so we are looking into other jobs that do not require a security clearance. The objective is still Iraq. We feel good about going. Maybe with a month's delay, the timing will be perfect, we will have averted some risky situation, like my dad did during the Vietnam war. He was sent to the less volatile Korea because of the Pueblo incident. He had opted out of officer school and remained enlisted or he would have been in the thick of Vietnam.

Anyway, maybe we will find a position with a better company or salary. It was devastating to have that job fall through, but nearly a week later, I am grateful and hopeful. We have fasted for a solution by the fifteenth of this month. The other company already paid us for one week of his training and are going to pay us for another week. That will get us through the month nicely, but doesn't get us out of the hole that we got into to get the job.

Now I get to brag on my honey. W0rd got out that I didn't have a washing machine. One of the ladies in the ward had one that they had tried unsuccessfully to repair themselves. It is the same model as my old one, but 5 years newer, at least. You guessed it, Mike fixed it. It was completely different from my old one, mechanically, but he said it was easy, and that he could do it again, knowing how, in less than and hour. It is so thrilling to have a man that can get stuff done.

Our home teachers gave us their old dryer. I have now washed alll of the laundry I had gotten behind on. It feels great.

If everything works according to our faith, we will not have to change our summer plans, except, perhaps, to condense them. It will take a miracle, but I believe in those things. I hear about them all the time. Sometimes they even happen to me.

Time to take Isaac to scouts.

PBS and Mormonism

I watched most of the Frontline episodes of the American Experience that explored Mormonism. No publicity is bad publicity. I did not really like the way they treated many of the subjects and cut off the remaining sentences of Dallin Oakes and Elder Packard. Really, four hours is not enough time to treat such a complicated subject as our faith. I, myself could talk about the subject endlessly.

I think what bothered me most is the persistence with which they implied that we do not think for ourselves because of the church's emphasis on obedience. That's not the church I belong to. Obedience is based on the principle of free will. They emphasized that free thinking was suppressed, and intellectualism denied a voice. How is it, then, that I, a hyper-analytical, nothing-inside-the-box person, could feel so at home and be so accepted and appreciated when I raise my hand in Sunday School or bear my testimony on Fast Sunday?

Still, I am thankful for the program. Hearing contradicting points of view and challenges to my faith, my mind easily reverts back to the hours upon days, year after year that I have spent in study and prayer, trying to understand my faith, my relationship with God and the place of the Church in all that. I really began to have a testimony of God's power and truth because I heard the arguments of opponents.

More than once in my life, everything I hoped for and perceived as reality was shattered. Holding on to faith in those circumstances has been like the struggle of a novice swimmer in a rolling ocean--one who is determined to make the shore. But the waves of doubt and conflict, are what I use to carry me to the shore.

Tonight, my hurting heart remembers when my faith was not so feeble. Remembrance of knowledge that once filled my mind pours in. Truth remembers this soul who loved it so dearly. They are only words. Flowery eloquence doesn't satisfy. God is my Redeemer. He is real. He reveals truth to the hearts and minds of those who seek. I have found--again.

The Lone Ranger

Here I am again, one woman alone. It has not even been a year since I got married and now I am sleeping alone again. I think it is pretty much the anniversary of the time I first called Mike--because he sent me his resume. I called him for strictly professional reasons.

Anyway, this is how the weekend went:

Saturday

Mikey's b-day party was at a place I can't remember the name of. It just had a bunch of inflatable obstacle courses and moonwalk-type stuff with some party rooms to serve the food you bring. Before that, Mike and I were collecting things and packing for his trip. Afterwards, he bought a laptop and got a case from his friend that works at Microsoft (Erik mentioned in previous a post). As soon as he got back, we met our photographer friend from church at the park for the family portraits we have never gotten. There must have been something else we did, but mostly, it was all about getting packed.


MaryAnne, stop reading now and take a break.

Sunday

I dropped Mike at the airport early enough Sunday to get to primary, where I teach the 11-12 girls. Of course, the only ones there were the two I brought--Lexi and Emylie. Mikey was really upset that we had to go to church because he wanted to get to his mom's house right away. We had left from his birthday party on Saturday and his mom went the other direction with his presents. He was very disappointed that he didn't get to play. But at least he got his Birthday song and pencil in primary. That helped a little bit.

I left directly from church to drop them off to appease the boy. We made the drop around 12:30. I actually talked to Lisa for a little while. There was some tension between us several months ago and we hadn't really cleared the air. Everything is settled and clear. The kids are welcome to come over whenever they want to, and they will go with us to see Mike's parents in Missouri. Lexi had said she wanted to spend the summer helping grandma at the store. (Take a look at the store on the Far West link at the right to see the store.)

After the drop off, I called Matt to see when he was going to meet me because I was already halfway to our halfway meeting point. He was helping his girlfriend, Julie move into here new house and was planning to meet me around 7:30. Rather than go home, I drove around the Rockwall, Wylie area looking for houses. I have decided (with the counsel of my husband) that we will be moving out there as soon as we get back from our trip. I will be moving out of this house before I leave for the trip.

So after all that I got home at 9:00. I barely had time to be alone or feel alone. I did delay going to bed. I was able to be in contact with My Love (that's the way it comes up on my phone). He arrived safely in El Paso (Ft. Bliss proximity). He will be in country until Friday evening, at which time, cell phone service will be disconnected--oh and transferred to me for those who don't know. Devanie will have my cell number and I will have Mike's.

Hey, I'm gonna stop typing now. Stop reading.