Me

This website is about and for my family and friends. It is full of the conversational small talk of the comings, goings, and events of my family. Today, this is not for you. It is for me and it is about me.

I "read" Atlas Shrugged this week by Ayn Rand. I evaluated her philosophical concepts, appreciative of her thoughts and perspective. I got bored with the endless reiteration of her singular, minimally encompassing principle that the nobility of man's achievement must be each individual's choice solely for his enjoyment as his ultimate reward. I have loved discussing its strengths and weaknesses with my husband. He is the one who read it first and has been encouraging me to read it.

The biggest problem I have with it is that it reminds me that I have not matched the achievements I have aspired to. I have barely made significant progress. In so many areas and at so many times in my life I have studied something or done something that has opened my mind to my potential to contribute to that field or to the world in the utilization of any one of those abilities. Then I think, if I wear out my life to fulfill the sum of those abilities, I can't help but think that I would leave an indelible mark on the world when I leave it. It is not conceit or arrogance, but an awed humility that one small person could do so much.

But the wrenching agony of knowing and not becoming! "But you have 8 kids. Teaching them and taking care of them makes a difference in the world. Don't you value that role?" That role is valueless if I teach my children that they have the capacity to make a difference to change the world but not prove it by my actions, or at least write down the ideas for making it possible. If I only teach my daughters to be mothers and wives, I have taught them to be contracted and limited. It is our greatest power, but that power is magnified when it is not the only power.

The power to achieve the visions in my head does not lie solely in my power. My greatest frustration is that the skills and ideas I do have are not complete. They require other people who share my ideas and are committed to the achievement of it. I do not know who those people are. I do not know where they are. I do not know how to know who they are; to recognize their ability and invite their commitment. I have trouble believing that they will be true to the commitment because I do not expect anyone to be better than I am, and I have betrayed my commitments to myself again and again. And yet, I know that so many people are so much better than me in that regard. That is why I need them. I need to know that I am not the only one in this world who believes in my capacity and theirs. I need reinforcement. I do not need to learn endless new skills. I need to collaborate with those who already have the skills.

I suffer with loss. All the reaching thoughts I have had have been trusted to technology that has betrayed me by annihilating those thoughts, never to be retrieved again, or they have never left the recesses of my own mind and can no longer be retrieved.

This is not a post about depression and abandonment but an affirmation of hope and a commitment to continue the pursuit, regardless of the end result. The heights I might reach by falling short of the greatness I perceive within me will still leave me a place of honor and the patriarchal prophecy will be fulfilled that I will be called blessed by my posterity.

Keep moving forward, Janika. All things are possible. God will provide a way for you to accomplish the things which He has shown you you can be.

Bad Beginning

Grandpa is in town for a couple of days. We took him to his semi-annual physical, he took us to Krystal Burger. He took the kids to see Up. We took him to see--um The Proposal. We started out with Year One, but the beginning was so bad we walked out. That was just in time to see the movie we had originally intended to see, but did not really want to wait for.

I finished my constitution class. I got a perfect score on my final, but it is not worth that much to me because the teacher only made generic comments and no markings on the paper. I got full marks throughout the course. I think I deserved them, but I can't help but wonder how easy it was for the other students to get full marks too.

I have already started my next class, which is history of education in America. I am looking forward to this course as well. I really like going to school, but I am trying not to put in so much effort so that I have time to do other things.

The babies had a horrible day today. No, I had a horrible day with the babies. There were only a few bad moments but the were momentous and bode very poorly for future days. The are climbing on chairs and then onto tables and spilling everybody's half-drunk drinks and pouring out half-bottles of pancake syrup for a little snack. Okay, it was mostly Amelia. But Anastasia went outside with me to get in the car before we took Grandpa to his flight physical and she shot off down the sidewalk and was to the opposite side of the neighbor's property before I could catch up with her. They have nearly figured out the divide and conquer method, where they split up and I can't grab both of them at the same time. It is time to break out the harnesses.

No, it's time for bed.

My Stomach Hurts Really Bad

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This weekend we took the kids to the mall--it's what everybody wanted. Lexi was not feeling well, but she figured she would not feel well whether she was at the mall or at home, so she, of course, opted for shopping. Even that could not hold her long. She kept getting sick and Mike took her home while we finished our shopping. The best deals were at Children's place, DEB and 579. Everybody got a little something--even the sick-o. She found the deals at DEB before she couldn't take it anymore.

She was asleep when we got home, but at 3 AM she came to our room crying. Mike took her to the hospital in Rockwall and called me throughout the night to update. She had a CAT scan to determine if it was ovarian cysts or appendicitis. It was appendicitis. I think it was around 9 that she went in for surgery and had her appendix removed.

I woke up not feeling well either. Lexi, Emylie and Mikey have recently had a 24hr. stomach flu. Emylie's came while she and Lexi were at girls camp, which they came back from on Friday. I was really tempted not to go to church, but Mikey and Claire had talks to give in primary and I had to direct choir before church. My blood sugar bottomed out and it was all I could do while I was leading the music during sacrament meeting to keep my arms moving--and, of course, I picked long songs this week. By the second hour, all of our obligations were fulfilled, and I was fading, so I got the kids out of their classes and tried to go home, but we stopped to see Lexi at the hospital. She was awake and doing pretty well. The did a simple 3-incision lacroscopic proceedure. She will be recovering at her mom's.

Mike was up all night and spent the whole day at the hospital except for the few minutes he squeezed out to come see Claire and Mikey's talks in primary. He came home around 7 and crashed. He will be back up at 5:30 so he can go see Lexi again before he goes to work. She will be released sometime tomorrow. Her mom will probably be there all day since she has the day off.

I added some pictures that Lexi took while we were sitting outside her mom's house after she got out of the hospital.

Life is good here. Thanks for asking.

Go Ni-Ni

I am upstairs waiting for the babies to follow me so I can put them in bed for their nap. They follow me everywhere. I do not have to tell them to come. They are at the bottom of the stairs now. They are tired from jumping on the trampoline.

There's Amelia. She's always first. She loves her nap. Finally Anastasia.

I took them to nursery in the final hour of church. They have 4 more weeks before they are officially old enough to go, but they were wired, tired and hungry. I packed a snack for them and left it on the kitchen counter. We were just in time for snack in the nursery though. I stayed with them and watched them interact with the other kids. Peyton was really interested in them and kept touching them and getting close to them. But the babies were not as interested in her as they were in singing time.

Then during bubble time, I don't know the girl's name but she used to love on the babies when we first moved here, she gently came up to them, one at a time, time after time, and hugged them. Which was so sweet to see because before she knocked them over when they were barely able to sit up when she tried to hug them.

They had a great time. I would have gone to my class, but I was having so much fun in there with them. I had choir practice just before church and one person plus my accompanist (thanks Rachel) showed up in the last 15 minutes--which is 1/2 the time allotted to us. I have a 1/2 hour window to try to teach people a song. That is not much of a sacrifice. I think people are like me. It is hard to remember things. That is why I will be making phone calls next week before church.

The babies have been playing here long enough. Anastasia just said Ni-ni? I said, "you ready?" and they both marched into the bedroom. Oops, I just remembered I took everything off their beds to wash them today.