It has been a pretty introspective week. I found a song by Norah Jones that made me cry with happy memories.
Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone
Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along
Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound
Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own
Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone.
The song is on my Norah Jones showcase at Excitone.com
I remember dancing in circles in the orange-carpeted living room of the mobile in Carson City. I would put on my fullest skirt dress and spin until it was horizontal with my waist then fall to the ground, not as a leaf, but to make myself and the dress a flower. Sometimes a record was playing. Sometimes daddy was playing the organ.
When I was not in the living room, I was looking for an audience. Sometimes they asked me to sing. Sometimes I asked them if they wanted to hear a song. Sometimes I just started singing. Other times, I would let my favorite record play over and over while I sang every word as I sat on the organ bench. Maybe there was an auditorium full of people listening to me. Maybe I was lifting my mouth up to a microphone with headphones on in a recording studio. But always, I was all alone--in a house full of people. It was a happy place.
I came to a profound realization in my 'Group Behavior in Organizations' class while I was doing my reading. The book was discussing the nature of groups. Do groups exist as an entity distinct from individuals? Theorists with a group orientation believe that the individual is only a part of the whole. The individual is formed and influenced by the social group to which they belong. Theorists with an individualistic orientation see a group as a sum of individuals.
I have never paid much attention to the nature of a group. I have always been very individualistic. My independent mother instilled that value into all of her children. My introverted, introspective father showed us how to avoid the crowd while standing in the middle of it. We all had strongly developed individual identities (I did, at least) but we never had a family identity. We were a collection of individuals, not a unified group. Maybe the other girls had a sort of group-thinking, group-identity as twins with Devanie being the third twin. That concept was foreign to me.
I like the idea of a unified group. We have a sort of group thinking with our blog postings. Our blogs are journalistic and communicative. I don't do mine that way because it is what I really want to do with a blog, but those who regularly read the blog don't want to hear my intellectual and philosophical tangents, and I don't want a bunch of snide comments about things that are interesting to me. To be part of the group, I behave as the group does. Mike's blog (every month or so) has a lot of politcal advocacy. He is not part of our group, but he is part of my group. That's good.
I'm a little girl with nothing wrong. I belong to a family who loves me. I'm all alone right now, but I am connecting with a group that spans across the country. It's a tale of grace that's all my own.
What is Genius?
12 years ago
4 comments:
Jans, I just love you, and stuff! You will always be a part of my group-a group that includes friends past and present I could never imagine my life without, and that I plan on spending an eternity with. But you can be alone in the group if you want, just know I'll be with you!
I think the "with nothing wrong" and "all alone" parts are contradictary. You may feel that way, but you are not alone. You have 2 wonderful families that love you and think of you always. You also have Faith, and a strong testimony which makes you more than ever NOT alone. There is somehting WRONG with you if you feel you are alone. Yes, You are independent, we all are. But when we are combined in any number of groups we make a GREAT collective. We all draw on eachothers strengths and weaknesses. Which is just a part of the little thing we call LIFE. It's nice to be alone and have alone time. It's a great time to reflect and think about who we really are. I feel like I'm getting a lot of that lately and I'm loving it! In a busy world it's nice to sometimes be alone and even get bored! Enjoy it. Love you Sis.
There are times I can't be alone enough. But that comes from spending a lot of time by myself growing up. But I am sure when my kids are grown that could change.I am very introverted. It is funny with me, I am never really lonely and prefer to not be a part of group. I have a harder time coping with the aftermath of a group setting. If given a choice between a group and being alone, I choose being alone. But by following the group and expectations I don't always follow what I would choose.It is interesting how different people have different perspectives.
I have noticed that as individualistic as I am, I love being part of a group. I love the concept of teamwork, but because I don't expect other people to understand the core of me, I just relate to whatever group on whatever level they are operating. I guess that means I have to adapt facets of my personality to a given situation. I like to do that on occasion. But I like to know that I can just be mysef--everything that I am. I only seem to be able to do that when I am alone.
I came to the realization when I was in High School, watching my dad in a public setting on a daily basis, that I was exactly half my dad and half my mom. I loved being outrageously extroverted like my mother, and I loved being alone and introspective, like my father.
It is only Multiple Personality Disorder if you don't get along with yourselves--and I love mees!
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